Arrrr, a vast behind.

Ahoy me hearties! Tie up the mizzen mast mateys and yo ho ho and a bottle of rum etc. With the recent news of Ian 'Mr sweary' McShane donning the beard that is black in the next Pirates of the Caribbean film On Stranger Tides. Mr Perry asks the question, what strange tides will be crashing this way? Well, rumour has it that Orlando Bloom who makes Vinnie Jones look like a good actor and Keira Knightley aren't returning. There won't be any reason to stay after the credits then.

So, what pirate folklore could Jerry Bruckheimer bring to the big blue this time. Edward Teach aka Captain Blackbeard is on board (I couldn't help myself) apparently he was reported to have tied his beard and lit fuses under his hat to frighten his enemies. ooh scary. Jack is back and this time he is looking for the Fountain of Youth, so there may be more sequels to come. Well I for one hope they go back to the original and try to get the same feeling that film had, similar style to Raiders of the Lost Ark. Fast paced and funny like Lee Evans, but less sweaty.

The thing is, do we need another one? At World's End finished with Jack Sparrow in his boat looking at his map. Actually it finished 10 years later after the credits where a wet Will Turner came ashore and met his offspring if you bothered to stay after the credits, I did. The series can't get any worse I mean it's not Jack Sparrow fight little furry creatures and then have a big party. hang on. I don't think it will add anything to a series which was on its way down to meet the Titanic anyway.

If they follow 2 and 3 they will be in deep water and could face a strong current. Dead Man's Chest and At World's End tried to do too much, yes the battles were immense but in the end the characters empathy was lost and the trilogy bore a similar resemblance to the Matrix sequels. What they did wrong was introduce characters the audience couldn't give a toss about namely Davey Jones (despite amazing CGI) Calypso, isn't that some sort of ice lolly and Culter Beckett. Plus the story became so convoluted it was like walking through a Labyrinth in the dark on the Moon whilst being watched by the clangers, which is too much.

Pirates 4 needs to hark back to classics such as Crimson Pirate or Captain Blood and really swash its buckle. I was so disappointed by the 2nd and 3rd installments I refuse to recognise their existence, despite commenting on them in this blog. Contradiction. So bring on Pirates 4 and we will see what happens. Finally why couldn't the pirate play cards, because he was standing on the deck. I know it's bad but what are you going to do eh? Exactly.

Land hoy!

What the world needs now is love, sweet love.

The 14th February has been and is gone, so shouldn't they remove valentine's day (you know, that film) from the cinema's now i haven't seen that film but I did have to sit through P.S. I Love You on valentine's night. It was a originally novel by Cecelia Aherne set in Ireland, but the film version moves the action to America. It stars Hilary Swank who has too many teeth and Gerard 'I can't do an Oirish accent to save me life' Butler. So, sitting down like in A Clockwork Orange I suffered the emotional story of a woman who has lost her soul mate and has to deal with his death but can't because he keeps on sending her bloody correspondence from beyond the grave.

The film is flawed when ever Mr Butler opens his mouth. His Irish accent is as convincing as a seagull dressed up as a crow trying to be a magpie, it doesn't work. He is amazing in 300 and RocknRolla but here he makes me want to frisbee the dvd out of the window. It is quite morbid in a sense a man who is dead can't leave his lover alone to live her own life, he dictates it while he is burning in a firing pit (yeah, he is in Hell). Swank's friends add to the annoyance of the overall tone of the film. Lisa Kudrow plays an over-sexed 'Phoebe Buffay' and Gina Gershon pouts like a fish. The story should be an emotional heart-tugging tale but it leaves a sour taste on the old palate as the characters aren't believable plus think of the cost of stamps.

If you want a romantic movie look no further than The Princess and the Frog, Disney's retelling of the classic fairy tale. It is full of fun and romance, if you're into that sort of thing. There are colourful characters and a deliciously evil villain beautifully voiced by Keith David. It's so good I've secretly stuck the soundtrack on my spotify. So, if you want to feel loved up do it in the company of animated characters rather than ones who you feel nothing for.

That is all.

P.S. I Love you.

Hey, you. Yes, you. I want you, yep you.

This week I will be mostly talking about adverts, not films. Aren't they fun? Well, some are and some aren't. Being an avid channel hopper I regularly see a wide range of adverts and I have recently noticed one thing, they are bloody annoying. They talk to you as if you are a little child who has never heard of this thing they are selling and it is extremely belittling. I invented Windows 7, I couldn't give a toss mate. The most annoying adverts are those that feature 'regular' people, I mean if these idiots can tackle a website so can you! Yes you! I think the problem is that they talk directly at you, so you can't escape their glare. It's like Lord Kitchener telling you to sign up. Most people do not like being told what to do especially by various members of the public who know a different word for money. Even the nauseating Tescos' adverts tell us that every little helps and Asda condescendingly pat their back pocket to save you money. One advert which has been removed was the McDonald's pound saver which stated a 'bob' is a another term for a pound (makes the wrong answer noise from Family Fortunes). A bob is a shilling and there are 20 shillings in a pound, so this is a major factual inaccuracy on behalf of McDonald's, tut tut. Some adverts just don't work, what do they do round that advertising table and decide the best way to sell insurance is with an annoying fat man belting out opera telling you to GO COMPARE, so much so you want to hit him over the head with your remote control. People in adverts just come across as the archetype which places them on a pedestal which they shouldn't be. Let's get a celebrity couple to parade around in an idyllic setting and prance about on a beach then tell you to book a holiday be just like them. The best advert around is the strange idea to get a meerkat (puts on a ridiculous Russian accent) sell you cheap car insurance who ever thought of that is a genius, simples.

Disneyfied

Disney has had a love affair with the Brothers Grimm, Hans Christian Andersen and folklore, with the release of The Princess and the Frog out next week. Walt has dabbled in the world of literature and put their own spin on the goings on, i mean was Robin Hood a fox? What is it that they changed to the original work to please those kiddiwinks. Well Captain Hook was never a codfish, he is a tough old Etonian who strikes terror in Peter Pan and his motley crew. Ariel bites the dust, (I know!) and has to kill the prince to become a mermaid again, I guess they decided to leave that bit out. Why do Disney do this? Add a saccharine taste to the original dark material. Kids like being scared, I was petrified by the witch's transformation in Snow White. Don't get me wrong I love Aladdin but just wonder if Disney had some original ideas in that magic castle of theirs. So what will Disney's take on the Brothers Grimm The Frog Prince be like, I am going to guess singing anthropomorphic animals and a tale of dreams that come true if you wish upon a star, oh and a happy ending. There has been unrest over the skin colour of their latest princess, princess Tiana is the first black regal protagonist in Disney history. But, oh no, Disney have completely sidestepped the racial issues in 1920s New Orleans, can you blame them that would go against the Disney ethos. I know she has dreams and has to find her place in the world but not against a backdrop of racial hatred and prejudice, it wouldn't appeal to the target audience. Some people in America have even boycotted it because it depicts voodoo magic (please). Well, a true adaptation is too much to ask for but I wait with eager anticiptation with Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, to see how far down the rabbit hole he actually goes.