Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Plot: The Autobots are scattered around the Earth surveying the planet while the Decipticons are hiding away causing havoc. Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky has a new beau and facing the tough task of trying to find a job.

Dark of the Moon is a strange film. A summer blockbuster and the third part of a series based on toys. After the dismal reaction to the second instalment in Revenge of the Fallen, has Mr. Bay bettered himself. Well, Mr Bay knows how to do action and there is plenty of that. There are robots fighting robots, humans fighting robots and humans fighting humans in toilet cubicles. The action is jaw-droppingly amazing and yes pretty darn good in 3D. The epic battle of Chicago which lasts for about 45 minutes is one of the best set pieces in the trilogy.

It turns out the moon landing mission in 1969 was all a ruse to find an Autobot which landing there of on the darkside if the moon, who knew? But where Doctor Who recently played with the past and done it much better, this film tries too much plot-wise and just becomes too convoluted.

What Mr. Bay doesn't know how to do is comedy. There are so many comical characters that it becomes like an episode of Mock the Week. Whereas the quirky comedy worked in the original this time it feels like we are being hit over the head with a joke book every five minutes. Even Agent Simmons (John Tuturro) and John Malkovich who is on good form fails to make the audience raise a smile.

What he does know how to do is piss off Megan Fox as she has been replaced by the curvaceous model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. The camera oggles and perves on her as probably do most of the male section of the audience, maybe some women do as well. She's very pretty but Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) seems to get more emotional when he sees his car. Something's not right there.

This time around the Decepticons seemed more ferocious especially Shockwave who had a giant mechanical worm that tore through buildings. Megatron on the other hand seemed a tad subdued and was experimenting with some fancy headgear which didn't suit him. Never trust a Decepticon and be wary of humans as well for that matter.

Verdict: 2/5 stars

Too long, too much and too unfunny. What could have been a return to form after the disastrous Revenge of the Fallen, Bay has forgotten what was so good about the first one. What next for toy-based films. Well, Battleships is in post-production and Ridley Scott wants to do a film about Monopoly. Can I suggest Mousetrap or Kerplunk. You never know.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Review

In a recent interview Geoffrey Rush claimed that the Pirates franchise could go as long as the James Bond films. On this showing, I'm afraid Mr Rush is extremely wrong. If the big movie cheeses can persuade Johnny Depp to do his thing til he is in his seventies then maybe. On Stranger Tides is the fourth installment of the multi-million box office blockbuster, and here be my review.

This time, there be mermaids, Blackbeard and Penelope Cruz. Captain Jack and a band of miscreants are off to find the Fountain of Youth, for some reason or another, as are the Spanish, the Royal Navy and Blackbeard. Tides features a series of impressive set pieces, most notable of all in London, Greenwich to be precise. The Royal Naval College provides a terrific backdrop for a horse and cart chase as Cap'n Jack tries to evade His Majesty's guards.

The opening scene is reminiscent in tone and style of the original Pirates outing but once we leave London it fails to pick up the pace. It has all the ingredients to be a worthy entry in the Pirates canon (no pun intended) ok, pun intended, but fails to live up to the hype. The charm and wit have disappeared, possibly to the depths of the Mediterannean. Even Jack Sparrow is lacking something. Johnny Depp does his best drunk Keith Richards impression, but isn't as funny or as engaging. Perhaps its because he can't be bothered or we are tired of the same shtick.

The are flashes of the old Jack, and some funny cameos from Keith Richards as Jack's dad, Richard Griffiths as King George and Judi Dench who comes in for a shock. These moments are fleeting and soon forgotten. The supporting cast don't help and can't hold a candle to Depp and his wacky wily old sea dog.

Sam Claflin and Astrid Berges-Frisbey (stop giggling), are the new replacements for Keira and Orlando. Their plight is tied to the fountain of youth as the searchers are need of a mermaid's tear, and Mr missionary decides to fall in love with the fishy lady. Both actors wouldn't have gone amiss on board the Queen Anne's Revenge (Blackbeard's ship) as planks.

The previous films have been a jumpy in parts but this time it's difficult to be scared. One moment made me jump at the beginning, but that was it. The character who we were meant to be afraid of was about as scary as a puppy wearing a hat. Captain Blackbeard, played by Ian Macshane, brooding and dark, is just a bit wet. He never strikes fear in other pirates or the audience even if he can control ropes with a magical sword.

The swordplay is impressive, especially in the fight between Sparrow's love interest Angelica played by the heavily bosomed Penelope Cruz. The fight is similiar to the one Jack has with Will in the first movie. She holds her own and is a sassy Spanish match for Sparrow. Captain Jack can't do it all by himself and is admirably let down by the supporting cast.

Once again Hans Zimmer's impressive score adds to the piratey flavour but that can't save the film too confused by adding every piece of pirate lore in it.

Verdict: 2/5

What could have been a return to form to a sinking-ship of a franchise in need of rescuing, isn't, it just re-hashed the same problems with 2 and 3. Too convoluted, characters are two dimensional and even Jack Sparrow can't save the day. I think the ship has definitely sailed on this one. Play the Lego game on the Xbox instead, its amazing.

The Apprentice

Dum-de-dum, de-dum, de-dum, de-dum, de-dum, de-dum, dum. It's back and in its seventh series. If you haven't read the title, I'm talking about The Apprentice. This time around the winner is given £250,000 to start up a business with Lord Sugar, instead of a job. So, why has it lasted this long? Yours truly shall rack his brains and work out why we keep going back to the country's most belligerent boss.

Are you up for a challenge?

They're tough, they're exciting and they can be extremely simple for the outsider looking in. Earlier in this series, the two teams were given £250 to spend on fruit and veg, and then make a profit on the money by selling the produce in a variety of ways. I don't know if Lord Sugar thinks of the tasks or if the BBC do, but they are interesting and almost Crystal Maze-esque. Is it a physical, mental or skill. Most tasks require all three of these obstacles. Of course business nous should shine through but it normally doesn't. As a viewer we are screaming at the television telling them where they are going wrong and how to rectify it (well I do). There's almost a sense of dramatic irony as you can see the team cocking up fantastically. But that's why we tune in, isn't it?

It's not personal, Sonny. It's strictly business.

The candidates are meant to be business-minded, but what does that actually mean? Many of them leave jobs already in business to join Lord Sugar's quest for a new apprentice. Surely that's not a very business-minded. They make the show as well as Lord Sugar, their ineptness and idiocy are why we watch the show. These people are human after all, and their business sense goes missing when they need it the most for some reason. Maybe its nerves or pressure but they seem to implode. But its pure entertainment.

Sadism

We all like watching people fail, don't we? Well, I do. What's more satisfying is watching these so called business-minded bods, who know what they're doing fall flat on their faces. I watch with a smile wider than a Cheshire cat (which don't exist, I only found out the other day) when a Mr or Mrs know-it-all loses. That moment in the boardroom when Lord Sugar proclaims those immortal words is the climax we are all waiting for. We don't root for the winner we want to see who doesn't get the job. Tee hee.

Funny how?

The Apprentice is a funny programme, not only do you have the ineptitude of some of the contestants but you also have the clown prince of business, Lord Alan Sugar. I am positive he has a group of writers feeding him zingers. Some of his one-liners are priceless, but there was one candidate who we were definitely laughing at, than with. Stuart 'the brand' Baggs. Not a one-trick pony he was a whole field of ponies running toward the job, to paraphrase one of his many witticisms.

Nick, Margaret, oh and Karren

Where would we be without them? Nick the man with a thousand faces, Margaret, who could kill you with one raise of the eyebrow and Karren, who according to a friend is the 'thinking man's crumpet.' Lord Sugar's trusty aides, his eyes and ears, possibly other body parts help him ascertain who is the weak from the chaff. Their comments are incisive and cutting, perfect foils for his lordness and never have a wasted word.

Thor

When the script for Thor landed on Kenneth Branagh's floor you can see why the experienced thespian took charge of the Norse legend cum Marvel superhero. Sibling rivalry, a complex relationship with his father and a boy who would be king, sounds like it could have been written by the Bard himself. But this isn't Shakespeare, this is Marvel's take on Norse mythology.

Thor, played by Australian Chris Hemsworth complete with full flowing blonde locks and beard bashes his way through the film with his trusty hammer, Mjolnir. Loki, Thor's brother, played with superb anger by Tom Hiddleston, lives his life in Thor's shadow,and slides his way like a slippery eel hellbent on getting the throne.

Thor decides to take his band of fighters, complete with a a Gimli lookalike, to the land of the frost giants after they mysteriously entered the kingdom of Asgard. Odin, his father and the King is pissed off and banishes him to Earth.

Whilst on Earth he must prove himself while falling for Natalie Portman, who wouldn't? Fending off giant metal men who shoot fire from their eyes and getting drunk with Stellan Skarsgard, who wouldn't? Hemsworth plays the troubled God with great bravado plus he is good at shouting and wielding a magical hammer. For fans of Marvel there are little teasers to the Avengers film currently in production.

Earth and Asgard both look very pretty, as does Portman, but that's another blog. Asgard is a shiny place made of gold tin foil and Gods sport funky eye-patches. It has a feel of the Viking mead hall but there is also something futuristic about the decor in the city in the clouds. New Mexico, is an ideal place for Thor to be banished, lots of open desert space for a hammer to be stuck in the ground.

Thor certainly lives up to its god-like status with some humorous moments especially when the God of thunder is on Earth. The film starts with a thunder-clap and doesn't slow down. Even the relationship between Thor and Portman's astrophysicist Jane Foster is engaging and heart felt. A comic book classic which will want you begging for more Norse action.

Film 2010: WTF?

Bring Wossy back, was my first thought after watching the new 'live' version of BBC's flagship film review programme Film 2010 now with Claudia Winkleman. I have cast my eye over the new format and here are my musings.

Where to start. The set. It looked like a cross between Newsround and Daybreak, without Adrian and Christine brightening our television screens in the morning. Wossy's set was a lot more elegant and the red fixtures in the background made you feel at home. The new one is an Ikea catalogue reject and more like The Xtra Factor, if you care to tune into ITV2 after the song contest on ITV1 is finished.

The presenters. Let's start with Miss Winkleman, a Davina McCall clone with fuzzy hair which looks like it belongs to puppet in Avenue Q. The whole set up has changed, we no longer have the presenter sitting behind a desk looking into the camera and giving their learned opinion on a particular film. No, now Winkleman slouches on a garish sofa talking to Danny Leigh (who I have no problem with, he seems to know what he is talking about), about the latest movies. The style of the Film programme has been surgically removed and thrown in the nearest dustbin. Her manic, wacky presenting style is incongruous with the show's ethos and is more suited to a teenage news show.

Ooh we have more presenters, Chris Hewitt Empire News Editor, Antonia Quirke a journalist who is quirky (sorry) and an annoying blogger Charlie Lyne who looks as if he has just escaped the womb. Each give their opinions which are duly noted and much more engaging than the hosts. The voxpopsy style with the others works as we get someone else's opinion about their fave film or a guilty pleasure.

And we're going live in five, four, three...why? What does going live for a film show broadcast at 2245 do for it? It turns it into Live from Studio Five, well maybe not that bad. I can't find a positive of making the show live, other than an interview after a premiere which they did with Keira, Carey and Andrew.

The usual in-depth review is done well, with clips from the film and interviews with the stars. At least they never changed that to an interview on the edge of a cliff or something silly like that.

In short, the phrase pops into my head, if it ain't broke don't fix it. Yes, Jonathan Ross left and they needed a new presenter but, why not choose someone with more gravitas and that is more recognised in the movie critique world. Barry Norman would be turning in his grave, if he was dead of course.

Have a blast

Hello there, sorry i haven't written for a while. I know you have all been wondering where I have been. The answer: unemployment land. I have finally gotten round to writing something. But, now I have something to write about. I've been to the cinema twice in the past two days and seen two comedies. Two very different comedies, Hot Tub Time Machine and Four Lions. Both funny, both completely different. Let's jump in the hot tub shall we?

It is The Hangover meets Back To The Future + a squirrel. See and be disgusted, but in a good way.

From four men in the tub to four men who want to blow themselves up. Not the normal premise for a movie, but neither is a hot tub that is a time machine. Not one to be controversial, Chris Morris of Brass Eye brings us Four Lions, the tale of four inept suicide bombers. This film has seen a lot attention due to its subject matter, but let's forget that for the time being and concentrate on the film as a film.

Before seeing it I found the idea of mocking suicide bombers funny, but then when the film kicks in with a poor attempt at a threatening video by one of the four, it hit me that this film could be dangerous. But that thought soon passed and what you get is The Ladykillers of jihadists. It doesn't mock those affected in the July 7th bombings but the idea of blowing oneself up for a cause they don't quite understand. I can see why people will be upset, but I think they should see the film before they make their mind up.

Why are some subjects untouchable? Religion, war and politics have all been satirised to highlight the absurd nature of them, and this is exactly what Four Lions is doing. That's the whole point of satire isn't it, to mock the establishment and remove the veneer to show what it really is. The idea of martyrdom is mocked, not the people who have been injured in blasts, otherwise that wouldn't be funny. Putting a bomb on a crow is funny, isn't it? Even the police aren't untouchable, they are unable to tell a wookie from a honey monster. In the end

Some critics have called it the Life of Brian of our generation, I think they may have a point there. Satire is a clever form of comedy that shows the fallibility and idiocy of human nature. For some people this may be too close to the truth if that is the case avoid it, but if you want to see a film that is funny throughout, I highly recommend it.

It makes you think part II

Welcome back to the second half of the list of awe-inspiring films. The list continues...



6. Blade Runner

Based on Science Fiction author Philip K. Dick Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep (read it, the film isn't anything like it). Ridley Scott's dystopian pits Harrison Ford's cop Rick Deckard on a deadly mission to retire robots called replicants. Blade Runner is a fusion between science fiction and 1940's film noir. The scenery may be scientific but the plot is basically taken from Hammett or Chandler.

Scott's film features a fine performance from Rutger Hauer as Roy Batty the ringleader of the rebellious androids. A villain who you feel sorry for at the end of the film. The film is visually stunning, watch the opening of Los Angeles 2019 (only 9 years to go, til flying cars!!!) Deckard's mission is to kill five replicants but there are six on the loose leaving a massive conundrum at the end of the movie, who is the sixth? A must see for sci-fi lovers out there.

7. Saving Private Ryan

Steven Spielberg's war movie violently tugs on the strings of ones' heart as a band of soldiers in Nazi-occupied France search for the last brother of the Ryan family. The D-Day landings is both harrowing and exhilarating. Spielberg cleverly uses point of view shots to make the audience feel part of the action and you become embroiled in the battle scene.

You go on the journey with Tom Hanks and his motley crew, plus you are completely shocked by the twist, I won't ruin it for you. Yes, Spielberg's other war film Schindler's List could also be in the list but I decided on this one instead. I mean I like Saving Private Ryan. I like Schindler's List. But which one's better? There's only one way to find out. FIGHT!!!

8. Die Hard

It is the quintessential action film so therefore deserves to be in this little list I have compiled. Screenwriters pitch movies using the Die Hard analogy, it's Die Hard on a bus (Speed) or Die Hard on a boat (Under Siege) the list could go on. It's tense, it's funny and Bruce Willis has hair. What more do you want. There is a Alan Rick man doing what he does best being the OTT villain, and he is German!

Released in the late eighties it can still hold a candle and a AK-47 to action movies of today you know the Jason Statham ones. It works because it doesn't take itself too seriously and John McClane must be the ultimate action hero, he's up their with a Mr Jones, Indiana that is oh and Mr Bond. Great fun and a great film.

9. The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy

Yes there are three films but, oh (blows raspberry). Bringing J.R.R Tolkein's masterpiece to the big screen was some mean feat but Peter Jackson pulled it off with aplomb. He couldn't fit everything in like Tom Bombadil, can you imagine him singing and prancing, no me either. It boasts of amazing visual effects from Gollum to the Balrog and acting performances from stalwarts like Sir Ian Mckellen and Viggo Mortensen.

It is not every one's cup of tea and I can understand why, elves and goblins aren't for everyone. Put the fantasy aside for one moment and see the human nature of two people's struggle to destroy this powerful object. All three films have moments of pure emotion all from the original source material. I don't like the third one because it ends. But don't despair, Guillermo Del Toro is bringing The Hobbit to the silver screen next year, get ready for talking dragons, a man turning into a bear and several oddly-named dwarves (no Dopey I'm afraid).

10. Alien

Another one from Mr Scott and another science fiction film, I think my one solitary reader has worked out my favourite genre. A suspense sci-fi horror which features a truly disturbing robot-going-bonkers scene and one scene not to eat your breakfast to. Ellen Ripley was originally meant to be a man, just wouldn't have worked. Three followed the 1979 original but none cannot surpass the tense feeling this film has on the audience, watch with a pillow.

The scariest thing is the thing you can't see, something is lurking in the dark you don't know what it is, oh my god it's bitten my mates' head off. In an essence that's what happens but much better. A must see, just remember in space no-one can hear you scream.

Good night and good luck.